Nested Eggs

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I’ve always wanted to be a mother.

I’ve just always known it, deep down in my bones. It's one of those sure-fire visions I’ve had for my life ever since childhood. I feel like you don’t get many of those, at least not ones that last.

I was always close with my mother, and she close to hers. It was a special relationship right from the jump. Born six weeks early, NICU bound for ten days, breastfed until I was fourteen months old, homemade diapers and baby food, ruffle-butt outfits, and first-ice-cream photos - I made my mom a mother. What a treasure.

I bonded with kids from an early age. Reading books and taking courses, nannying for the neighbors when we were only a few years apart in age, building my repertoire of crafts, toys, and books - you best believe I brought a Mary Poppins bag with me to every job - volunteering at our church’s nursery, starting a kid's birthday party company, leading music and theatre classes for local kids summer camps. I felt like both sides were receiving equal satisfaction - enthusiastic care for them, and unbridled joy for me.

Even though I’ve always known, a timeline was never clear.

Procreating is a big responsibility, after all, and not a decision to be taken lightly. And life just kept happening. A big life, a beautiful life, a happy life. But still, a life missing one of my true ultimate goals.

Women are no strangers to the pressure. The timeline and fear mongering that society likes to instill the second you turn thirty. The words it just throws around not realizing the impact. When “you can have it all” suddenly turns into the harsh reality and practical logistics of never-ending bills, yet-to-be-realized dreams, and not-right-for-you partners.

And because of my career goals, city lifestyle, and a “refuse to settle” dating mentality, I certainly felt that pressure mounting with each passing year, scared it’d be too late when I was finally ready to take that leap.

I had heard about egg freezing, though not nearly enough, and the desire to do it started tugging at my heart.

What if I could take that first step forward into motherhood for my future self and the family I desire to have one day?

How would I do it? How could I make that happen?

I did research, and journaled, and prayed, and asked anyone who was willing to talk about it. I discussed with my parents and just kept gathering information. And I let it stew.

My desire to do it did not go away.

It stood, almost like a lamp post among the movement of my life. Things would happen, seasons would shift, but it held steady. A dream beacon.

Was I scared? A little bit.

Did I still have lots of questions? Heck yeah!

But the time came when it all just fit into place.

With some intentional planning, of course.

Last summer, I set aside three weeks during a slower work season to move back home with my parents and work remotely. Upstate New York is certainly not a bad place to be during the summer months, so that was the first great decision.

I chose to use CNY Fertility for this process not only because it’s so highly regarded and the most affordable clinic in the country, but also because it meant my mom could be my nurse and right by my side the whole way - the biggest blessing of it all.

It’s all a bit overwhelming to get used to and lots of new jargon to learn - an initial assessment and information download, then 1-2 pills in the morning and 2-3 shots at night for about 12 days straight till you’re ready to trigger, all while going into the office to monitor your hormone levels and vitals every 2-3 days.

I found creating ritual around it really comforting.

Every morning I would take a walk, do a meditation, really be present with slowing down. I spent as much time as possible outside and at the lake. After each appointment, my mom and I would celebrate with something special (usually ice cream or carbs). I’d set the scene at night for injections with a lavender candle, dim lights, a fuzzy blanket and calming music. I made sure to journal morning and night to document my experience in real time and pray through the entire thing. Ending off the night with a few poems, some yummy home-cooked food, and a kit-kat treat - a childhood (and adulthood) favorite.

The two weeks leading up to trigger were better than anticipated. I had curated a safe, loving, and comfortable environment that allowed me to be fully present and free of stress. I was pleasantly surprised to have no emotional dips or noticeable hormonal shifts - except that I wanted lots and lots of dessert. Nothing wrong with that!

Right around trigger time I learned my ovaries were actually responding “too” well to the hormones and the nurses were nervous about ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome, which has not so good side effects.

I began to feel really uncomfortable and incredibly inflated, unlike anything I had ever experienced before - as if I now had two balloons as ovaries.

With this mounting discomfort and the small site-only allergic reaction I had to both of the trigger shots spaced exactly 12 hours apart, some anxiety started to grow.

I waddled into the clinic for my retrieval appointment Monday morning with some pretty intense cramping and a “get these ‘babies’ out of me” mindset.

I had wonderful nurses and doctors throughout the entire process, and they made me feel incredibly taken care of. As I dozed off under the anesthesia, I was excited for this portion to be over.

Waking up to a smiling face and ’34’ written in dry erase on the board in front of me was certainly a shock. “Is that right - 34 eggs?”

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said the nurse.

Wow. What an exhale. What a win. What a relief.

I had decided I wanted to do this years ago, but the second it started actually drawing closer I began to worry about the incredibly real possibility of getting low numbers and needing to go through several more rounds of this in order to produce more “secure” results, which isn't uncommon. But that’s extra money and extra time and it wasn’t part of the plan - just always a ‘what if’.

That night, I had coconut cream triple layered cake - a completion celebration my mom had made for me - and it was divine.

The recovery was a bit more intense in my case than the actual lead up.

Because my ovaries had been so activated, it took a while for them to calm back down and the threat of bursting follicles and/or high-hormone related blood clots remained. (I had now been prescribed injectable blood thinners for two weeks - which quickly turned into ingestible baby aspirin, as I could not imagine sticking myself with a needle any more). Not to mention the internal discomfort I had for a few days while healing from the procedure itself - they do prick and suck the egg out of each follicle with a long needle at the end of an ultrasound wand after all, and I had over 34 follicles so you can imagine the lingering pain…

So many people had talked about “bouncing right back” to normal life the day after and I guess that’s what I was anticipating. I already had my train booked for the following day, and an event in the city planned. But my body had other plans. Rest. Which I actually was really grateful for.

This process, although incredibly smooth and fairly enjoyable (dare I say it), was still intense. The immense meaningfulness of it held a lot of weight and while I felt incredibly present throughout, it was still very much a whirlwind of a journey.

What a story, what a chapter, what a preface.

I rested for a few days - literally laid in bed, sleeping and watching movies. They called me the next day with official results - 32.

32 of the 34 eggs harvested had proven viable for freezing.

“We’ll have them waiting for you whenever you’re ready.”

I cried.

I’m crying now.

Wow.

How grateful I am.

God keeps surprising me with how good He truly is.

Taking this first step in creating the next generation - an extension of my bloodline - with my own mother was no small thing. It was actually everything.

It was purpose.

It was sweetness.

It was beauty.

It was life.

One day I’ll get to be a mother. I am so excited for that day and that experience.

But for now, I get to relish in this experience and the gratitude I have for family connection, modern medicine, and following your dreams.

If it’s on your heart, go do it.

Watch a fun video montage of my journey HERE.

#eggfreezing #eggretrieval #CNYFertility #fertilityjourney #motherhood #familyplanning